Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
