Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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