I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
