My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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