oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
