I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
