if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
