mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
