Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Don't tell me you're on acid again
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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