Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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