Kiss
Puke
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
