I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
