these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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