Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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