living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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