would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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