it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I am one with the molecules
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
