im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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