He disabled his match.com account in front of me
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
