Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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