I'm going to rape someone's good day.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
