This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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