I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I think I won the penis lottery.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
