The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
