sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
