They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
