Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
