The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
