Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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