It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
