i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
