note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
