I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
