"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
