Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
