She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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