I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It's never too late to be topless.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
