just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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