don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
