i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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