I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He better not be in your backpack
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
