I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
