You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
