Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
