Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
