I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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