He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
