Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
