Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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