I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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