his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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