I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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