it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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