then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I could make wine with my vomit
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
what day is it and did you see me today?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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