I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Randomize
