Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
