My hair reeks of homosexuality.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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