Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
